Stupefied!

I left Ada in the above condition and ventured into town in the rental Cube to post the latest island dispatch.  The neighbor’s wireless petered out.  Now the only network I can find is called SecureNetwork, the Clint Eastwood of network names.  One glance and you know it is not to be hacked or bothered and members of its family should absolutely not be murdered in front of it while it lays stunned by a sabre cut to the head.  Sorry, I saw Jose Wales this week.

Last night the weather lady predicted with a completely straight face that today the weather would be fair to partly stifling.  No wonder all of Florida is moving to Asheville.  It’s why I put off renewing my license for six months.  The DMV is a perpetual madhouse of heat refugees.

By 8 am the sun on my skin felt like some evil genius in a galaxy too far away for our superheroes to get to in their lifetimes is aiming his dastardly cell destroying device at Planet E.  Our only safety is protective cremes and nighttime planetary rotation.

Submersion in the bay at least feels like an escape from the death rays.  This morning I got out of bed, put on my speedo and goggles and groggily waded out.  I wouldn’t call it a swim.  More of a diving float.  In the bay the current is strong enough that with gentle strokes the seafloor sweeps by like I’m kicking hard in flippers.  At about 30 yards from the shore there’s an asteroid belt of giant hermit crab shells.  They’re the size of my fist and some are lively enough to leap off the sand when touched.  There’s also the occasional living starfish the diameter of either soccer or basketballs, depending on what you’ve been watching lately.

Does Disney own the rights to Harry Potter?  Unfortunately they don’t own the sun yet.  If they did they could have turned it down a few notches to keep the opening of their Hogwarts theme park from spoiling.  On the last night’s local news broadcast

Dolphin (porpoise?) sighting out the window!!  Tampa bay is crazy rich with wildlife.  We usually see manatees and pelicans and there’s a big beautiful old beggar crane that lives in the hood.

Back to the local news.  The one bright spot apart from tragic deaths from world cup attendees and the serial husband-killing 60 year old lady was this new disney attraction.  Unfortunately the spot looked about 20 degrees too bright.  The actors who play Harry and Ron and the Weasley twins and Malfoy looked less movie star-ish and more like they had survived a rough fence pressing at an overcrowded soccer match.  Those poor British bastards aren’t used to Florida heat.  And who is?  Luckily they’re young and resilient.  Somehow they’d convinced Dumbledore to attend and that guy was hurting.  He looked flushed and haggard and confused.  Reporters were asking him about the part  of the story when he and Harry inhabit Voldemore’s milky memories and he couldn’t remember anything about it.  It’s a major theme of multiple books and movies he’d starred in and it just slipped his mind.  I think he was suffering heat stroke, and was dangerously close to joining his predecessor from movies #1 and 2 in the magical moving portraits of the afterlife.

More updates to follow.  It’s way too intense to get anywhere near an actual ocean.  Luckily the beach house has big shady pine trees on its beach.

Also, in case your worried about the speedo in tandem with the man purses, relax.  Most of the island is owned by German winter refugees so I’m just integrating.

Our venerable, squeaky, indestructible bikes

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3 responses to “Stupefied!

  1. Sauce looks concerned. Is she reading of genocide? Hop them speedos on the bike and go get her some trashy magazines. Doesn’t she realize she’s at the beach?!!!!

  2. She’s flying through The Indian Wife and ignoring US weekly. Believe me, she has no concerns beyond how many trips to the Starfish Co. restaurant we can fit into 3 days at the beach.

  3. And the answer is three!! Twice the first day – seafood salad, blackend grouper sandwich, delicious peel and eat shrimp – and once the last – scallops, more blackend grouper and fried shrimp! All this with the required cole slaw, fries and the best hush puppies EVER!

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