It’s time to get all Sun Tzu on this situation. The good general reminds us to research our enemies so that we may consistently and decisively own them.
While I remain an enigma to my brainless adversaries their mysteries have been unlocked by the vast and wonderful wikipedia.
Here’s what I’ve uncovered so far.
1. Pigeons and doves are interchangeable terms, which only confuses me. I LIKE the doves. Doves are the lithe elvish versions of their bumbling bobble-head cousins. They’ve evolved to be as inoffensive as possible with their soft grey muted plumage and their respectably low volumes. They’re the nuns of backyardia and I don’t like finding them so closely related to the barbarian horde. Note to self: doves are no longer to be trusted.
2. It could be worse. The crowned pigeons of New Guinea grow as large as turkeys and can live for decades. They’ve been known to reduce a cow to bones in minutes! That’s not actually true but look at those beady red eyes. Scary.
The Dodo is a flightless spinoff of the crowned pigeon. Why can’t I get a Dodo infestation?
3. Pigeons are culturally progressive. Males and females are hard to distinguish from one another. Both share the burden of childcare, aka squab care, and both parents produce a nutritious smoothie called crop milk that they barf up from their crops to the extreme elation of their young. This is well and good philosophically but in practical terms it means I’ll have to up my game. The enemy is strong and committed.
4. Lets check out these crops. Basically a crop is a pocket for food hidden in your throat. Clever. Hard to pickpocket, impossible to accidentally leave at the nest. A non-detachable manpurse. And the pigeon crop has smoothie making upgrades. Most impressive…
Thanks a lot, Sun Tzu. Now I just feel intimidated and hopeless. I liked it better when I assumed my enemies were hapless bumblers. Now I know they have pockets in their throats and a balanced, supportive upbringing. Damn your eye!
Aw! Ada just handed me a giant sunflower on a 3′ stem and now I don’t feel so bad.