Inappropriate title censored

Uhhggg.  I’ve gotten in the habit of a cup of coffee  in the morning, usually the best part of my day, followed by a cup of coffee brewed after lunch.  Fortunately I’ve been working in the neighborhood replacing siding on Michael, Susan, and Margaret’s lovely yellow cottage.  That means a short walk to work and lunches on the back deck which is still barely in the shade.  My propped up feet stick out into the sunlight.

The reason for my Ugghh! is this morning I use the last of the coffee and for the post- lunch caffeine jolt I had to settle for a rebrew.  I’ve discovered the secret for brewing really bad truckstop coffee-flavored tea with cream.

I am now (telling the computer!) going to continue abusing my blog privileges by sharing an unsettling pattern I’ve fallen into.  Last night at the Brew n’ View I accompanied my $3 movie experience with a pint of delicious beer, good friends, and a platter of garlic cheese fries, extra crispy.  My fries were paired with 4 foil packets of mayonnaise, ice cold.  I excitedly tore into the first packet and drenched my already cheesy hot fries with cold creamy mayo.  By the light of the movie I could see that the cut potatoes were still undersaturated with grease.  Something dramatic must have happened onscreen b/c I lost track of which end of the packed I’d torn into.  Turns out I had the thing upside down and had torn into it just enough to create a concentrated spray nozzle.  When I eagerly squoze the packet a jet of high pressure mayo shot out, I shit you not, 4 feet into the air.  Now, it was pretty dark in there but I swear it was one long continuous strang of salad creme, as the Brits call it.  It shot vaguely in the direction of the 2 teenage boys sitting next to me.  I instinctively both darted a look sideways and sank as deeply as possible into my chair.  Like that wasn’t a complete giveaway.  Hey, I wonder who just shot mayonaisse all over my face?  Maybe I should ask the guy next to me with the 4 mayo packets who’s trying to hide inside his movie chair!

Well.  I missed the teens and only made a mayonaise-based slip hazard on the floor in front of me.  Neither OSHA nor the Brew n’ View staff would be pleased, but no fistfights resulted from my overeager condiment application.

Again this morning I was revisited by unlikely streaming fluid physics.  When I work outside I’m pretty conscientious about sunscreen application.  This preventative care is driven purely by the deadly sin of vanity, and in no way related to the deadly disease of cancer.  I’ve been working and playing outside a lot this summer so the sunscreen is getting close to empty.  I gave the tube a preemptive toothpaste roll-up and as soon as I uncapped the lid a ropy stream jetted out onto our hallway mirror and down the sheetrock below.  WTF?  I scooped the screen off the wall and onto my aging flesh, generally doing a much better cleanup than last night at the theater.

Ugghh!  This coffee really underperforms.


12 responses to “Inappropriate title censored

  1. I keep having visions of a huge blackhead being expressed in a movie theater. Your diet has come a loonnnnnggg way since the grease, oil, and sugar free days of high school.

  2. And I thought I was a wreck … I had no idea of the drama going on two seats away …

  3. I noticed that Ben The Welder … very nice. Am afraid you’re going to have to do that gig without me, as I’m still practicing the first song in my songbook. Plus, for my debut in public, I’m going to need some spangled bell-bottoms and Porter Wagoner-style jacket! Unfortunately, a quality uke is above a costume in my musical career budget. 🙂

    • Good thing I have a matching set of said Porter Wag gear. I told the symphony hall in Knoxville that we would be playing beautiful, complex numbers like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and “Hot Cross Buns”. Don’t let me down, the show is already sold out!!!

  4. Lol, Ben the Welder (henceforth to be known as BTW). How did you sucker a sell-out in Knoxville? Oh, McLure … you poor, uneducated thing. I guess I will have to explain Porter Wagoner to you …

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