Crushes and Juice

Here are a few things I’d bring up in conversation if we had time to hang out together nursing beers or if I got around to phoning you.

Radiolab has led me to a huge musical crush on Zoe Keating.  She’s a classically trained cellist who hung out with lots of rockers and electronic freaks and picked up some of their tools and mojo and put them to exceptional use.

Here’s a link to the radiolab interview:

http://www.radiolab.org/blogs/radiolab-blog/2008/aug/25/quantum-cello/

Moving on to our second imaginary pint.  This week on trash pickup Tuesday, the collection truck vomited out a slurry of waste for about 30 yards right in front of our house.  2 days later and it still reeks.  A neighbor speculated about calling the city and I took his initiative and ran with it.  I called public works and got transferred to sanitation.  Sanitation guy chuckled at me and drawled, “Yup.  We call that hopper juice!”

I asked him if he could send out a juice-cleaner truck and he promised he’d send the request to his supervisor who’d forward a request to the sweeper division.  I was impressed that he knew Highland St. was only one block long.  I haven’t been impressed with the response.  I should have just gone to my back fence and bothered Cecil who’s on the city council.  Looks like the good Lord’s gonna have to clean this one up, if he’s willing.

Third Pint.  First sip.  Have you used a debit card at McDonalds lately?  That transaction is over before it’s begun.  Swipe, receipt spits out, they’re handing you some fries.  They may have gotten into the debit race late but they are hands down kicking transactional ass.  At Lowes I have to swipe the card 3 times, then hand it to the aged cashier, then list off the last 4 digits.  Meanwhile Micky-D’s has served another 2 million happy campers.

Third Sip.  Sorry if this is starting to sound like a lame comedy routine.  It’s not as fun without the actual beer.  Let’s soldier on.  This morning Ada left the downstairs toilet seat up and I, horror of horrors, sat on the cold rim.  Surprisingly,  I did not fall into the bowl- and I have a really skinny tail end.  What’s all the fuss about?  If anything, I’m a little disgusted by what I may have sat on, but if the seat was up it means Ada was vigilantly cleaning a toilet that rarely gets used, anyway.

If we kept the seat up all the time we’d have to keep the rim pristine out of the shame of seeing anything lingering.  I can’t do it, though.  Primarily because momma taught me otherwise.  Secondarily because Heather told me that when you flush a class IV storm system of filthy nano-particles lifts into the air so I always put the seat down first.

Sip.  Tool time.  You can now see me doozering away at work with a bulky clear plastic case attached to my belt.  It’s my new waterproof ipod case.  This is the culmination of years of evolution in Y world, where naked men dwell and interact before or after exercising.  I usually keep my head down in the locker room, avoiding the extremists and the peace makers and the flirts, and head straight for the pool after a quick shower.

At first I tediously counted laps.  Then I just tried to swim for a set amount of time on the Casio w-59 wristwatch.  Now I’m on a musical clock, swimming until the playlist ends.  So far the perfect swim team song is U2’s “numb.”  The experience is further enhanced by the prosthetic flippers I wear for faster speeds and a better workout.  There are still plenty of bugs in the system.  The waterproof earbuds keep falling out or shifting.  Also I’m noticing all kinds of wet sloshing sounds that previously went unnoticed.  That’s just the price we cyborgs have to pay.

Gotta go swim with Zoe’s cello now.  Thoroughly enjoyed our one sided conversation!

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13 responses to “Crushes and Juice

  1. It’s just 9 something in the morning and I’ve already had three beers with you. I don’t know how I’m going to get anything done, let alone call for a juice sweeper or clean my toilets. I guess I’ll head to Micky D’s where I can get a quick coffee or three to help head off this hangover. If I recover, I’ll go for a swim to try to keep my waistline trim after all those early morning empty calories. Cheers!

  2. After I learned about the filthy nano particles floating around after a flush, I threw away my toothbrush. Now I will forever store my toothbrush in a case in a drawer.

  3. Every Monday morning the parking lot at our office has this ode de four day old smashed armadilla in the middle of the road smell from the garbauge trucks cutting through our parking lot and sreaming out the fermented effulent of left overs from the fine dining places located in greater down town Alex. Good ole sunshine is the only cure…unless we have a heavy rain.

    I gave up complaining years ago. My solution is not to arrive at work until about 10:00 after the worse olfactory offenders have been diluted.

    • so thats why the parking lot has so many stray cats. And I know you haven’t complained more because it’s too good of an excuse to come in late on Monday!

  4. Thank you for using phone as a verb. Brad makes fun of me for that.

    Every time I try to read your blog Baby starts wailing or suddenly requires back to back diaper changes. He knows something I don’t?

  5. Many powerful truths in the post. Bruce always called garbage juice Lee J water. It has some links back to that restaurant in Pineville, but I’m not clear on the origin. Its name varies per region, but its foulness is universal. I went to Lowes today and had to swipe only twice, give my last 4 credit card digits, and a phone number then sign. Sometimes I have to put one of their bags over the magnet strip and then swipe it, but not today. McD’s doesn’t care who you are or how you came to posses the card, just as long as it doesn’t have a negative balance.

    • veritas! I keep meaning to tape a bag permanently onto my card. We should just have stick-on fingernails with magnetic strips. Big long pinkie nails.

  6. My guess is that Sauce was cleaning the toilet. I just have to think that is the case or my world will be shattered.

    I tried to find the article on Salon magazine that I read about the nano particles a couple of years ago. No dice, but I did find a similar one with lots of interesting toilet seat information:
    http://www.salon.com/health/col/roac/2000/05/19/tinkle

    Turns out public toilet seats are not as filthy as my mother tried to lead everyone to believe. However, it is best to close that seat:

    “In a 1995 study, Gerba found E. coli on only one out of 59 public rest room toilet seats — most likely from the toilet water, which aerosolizes into a microscopic mist when the toilet flushes.”

    Of course, I got side-tracked in toilet article land and had a good laugh over this short Garrison Keillor story:
    http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/garrison_keillor/2008/12/17/flush

    And for further reading on the state of the toilet and sanitation in a world context, see “Let’s Talk Crap” http://www.salon.com/books/int/2008/10/16/big_necessity

  7. Friends! I had an awful nightmare last night, I think from reading that Garrison Keillor story … I dreamed I was trying to save my sweet little Jack Russell Rocket from being flushed down a huge toilet!!!! The details were murky and neither Fuzz nor Jemaine Clement showed up to help ….

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