the situation of things right now

this is my first highland street public service announcement:  never mind mexico- stay out of scotland!

i just got an email from my buddy brad’s mom with the subject line, HELP!  kathy was terribly distressed.  here’s what she wrote:

Hello there
I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now.

I’m stuck Scotland,United Kingdom with family right now, we came down here on family vacation and we were robbed at a gun point, worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and our cell phone were stolen at GUN POINT and it’s hard to get hold of a phone here in Scotland it’s such a crazy experience for us we need help flying back home, the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is we still have our passport but don’t have enough money to get our flight ticket back home.

Please i need you to loan us some money, I will surely refund you as soon as we are back home safely. You have my word!

Thanks.

(apparently the algorithm wasn’t powerful enough to insert a name here)

personally, i would have ended with an exclamation point on the “thanks!” and left the promise of a prompt refund punctuated with a less desperate sounding period.  i’m worried about kathy, really.  she wasn’t even supposed to be in europe.  the j’s were supposed to visit disney world this summer. the grandkids must be so disappointed with the sodden climate and lack of disney characters in northern europe.  not to mention getting all their luggage AND the family cell phone stolen at GUN POINT!  what disappoints me most about dangerous scotland is how difficult it is to borrow a cell phone.  maybe too much gets lost in translation during the request, or perhaps the dangerous scots are unapproachable.  i think we can agree that they’re less than 100% supportive- especially the cops.

all joshing aside, it’s a little creepy that the off duty somalian pirates or whoever it was that sent this email knew to pick Kathy out of my address book and use her as the trojan horse.  If there’s one person I trust in the list and would mail my left earlobe to if it would improve her vacation, it’s kathy j.  and not just because i got to sleep in brad’s water bed (without brad) for a summer and earned favorite adopted son status by my vigilant watch over the dishwasher and front lawn.  it’s just that she is one hell of a sweet lady.  and i owe her from years of grazing from the bowls of reeces pieces in arm’s reach of every sofa in her and dave’s house.  the pathetic thing is that, growing up, i was a total slacker about emptying the dishwasher and mowing the yard (sorry mom!)  but for the summer of ’95 i was eddie haskal incarnate.

so.  back to the writers’ room, literate somalie johnny depp wannabes.  kathy and i refuse to contribute to your hateful anti-scottish fund drive.  why do we never get junk mail for something great like girl scout cookies?

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11 responses to “the situation of things right now

  1. Maybe Kathy can’t borrow a cell phone in Scot because no one has added a cell phone pocket/holder to the kilt yet.

  2. McLure! This is so crazy. I too am in Scotland. I got a wild hair to go visit Puddin’ Pop’s relatives who turned out to be THUGS. They said if I didn’t turn over passport and all cash, they would make me eat haggis. What else could I do? You know that I do not eat mammals. Anyway, please send me cash, your credit card account number, and some rotary nosehair clips (don’t ask) so that I can buy the first ticket out of the salad-hating turbulent hellhole that is Scotland. Thanks!

  3. H, for goodness sake, please do not ask any Scotsman what he wears under his kilt because he just might show you

  4. that’s a new one. did your email get hacked? btw, scottish hooligans have been terrorizing american tourists for years. we seem to be intimidated by their outrageous accents. but they got nothin’ on the residents of Talkeetna, AK. these guys don’t have social security numbers or fingerprints and i’m quite sure their guns are bigger than scottish pea shooters. so, please send me money so that i can offer kathy’s perpetrators the chance to meet some real hooligans… or at least pay the Talkeetna hooligans to track down the somalian pirates who think it’s fun to hack email accounts and scam the generous spirit of us amerikuns.

    i’ll be in Alex end of june so get to stretchin’ and try to get down there for a session or two. if nothing else it will give you more blog fodder.

    • I think it was kathy who got hacked. and i believe you about the roughness of the boys out there on the frontier.

      i’m trying to sneak down for a session next weekend while ada’s out of town so i probably won’t be there for you to show me up in june. enjoy!

      also, i notice your shift key appears to have died as well. my condolences. maybe it’s contagious.

  5. Judy got one of those a while back…and almost fell for it. Supposedly also some friend from another town (New Orleans). Judy made a call or two and caught on to the fraud fairly quickly and before any loss was sustained.

    • i forgot to mention it in the blog but my mother-in-law got the phone call version of this scam. Apparently it’s very common, and my bro-in-law’s aunt fell for it. the scam involves high energy method actors who pretend to be a loved one held at gun point. It sounds silly but the terror rogues are so panicked on the phone that it makes you stupid with fear and before you know it you’re giving money away. They probably have their own awards dinner at the end of the year for the biggest talent. It sounds like an exhausting, if lucrative, day job.

  6. I sent the link to this entry to kathy, thought she’d like to see it. I had forgotten all about the reese’s pieces! I think there’s too many grandkids around now to have that much unattended sugar within arm’s reach. -T

    • that just means they’re sitting in a candy account accruing interest. In about ten years there will be cattle feed sized tubs of sweets all over that house to satiate the teenage horde.

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