i just got an email from my buddy brad’s mom with the subject line, HELP! kathy was terribly distressed. here’s what she wrote:
I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now.
I’m stuck Scotland,United Kingdom with family right now, we came down here on family vacation and we were robbed at a gun point, worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and our cell phone were stolen at GUN POINT and it’s hard to get hold of a phone here in Scotland it’s such a crazy experience for us we need help flying back home, the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is we still have our passport but don’t have enough money to get our flight ticket back home.
Please i need you to loan us some money, I will surely refund you as soon as we are back home safely. You have my word!
(apparently the algorithm wasn’t powerful enough to insert a name here)
personally, i would have ended with an exclamation point on the “thanks!” and left the promise of a prompt refund punctuated with a less desperate sounding period. i’m worried about kathy, really. she wasn’t even supposed to be in europe. the j’s were supposed to visit disney world this summer. the grandkids must be so disappointed with the sodden climate and lack of disney characters in northern europe. not to mention getting all their luggage AND the family cell phone stolen at GUN POINT! what disappoints me most about dangerous scotland is how difficult it is to borrow a cell phone. maybe too much gets lost in translation during the request, or perhaps the dangerous scots are unapproachable. i think we can agree that they’re less than 100% supportive- especially the cops.
all joshing aside, it’s a little creepy that the off duty somalian pirates or whoever it was that sent this email knew to pick Kathy out of my address book and use her as the trojan horse. If there’s one person I trust in the list and would mail my left earlobe to if it would improve her vacation, it’s kathy j. and not just because i got to sleep in brad’s water bed (without brad) for a summer and earned favorite adopted son status by my vigilant watch over the dishwasher and front lawn. it’s just that she is one hell of a sweet lady. and i owe her from years of grazing from the bowls of reeces pieces in arm’s reach of every sofa in her and dave’s house. the pathetic thing is that, growing up, i was a total slacker about emptying the dishwasher and mowing the yard (sorry mom!) but for the summer of ’95 i was eddie haskal incarnate.
so. back to the writers’ room, literate somalie johnny depp wannabes. kathy and i refuse to contribute to your hateful anti-scottish fund drive. why do we never get junk mail for something great like girl scout cookies?