i call this one the WHATF?

You have to hand it to the crazy old nutter.  The modern man looks at a walnut branch, a pair of brush scrapers, and a handful of rusty nails and thinks, “i’ll get around to throwing that crap away, just as soon as i check some tweets.”  Primitive tinkerer man doesn’t have a twitter account, but he does have a dusty workbench cobbled together from salvaged studs and sheathing, and he has time.

The tinkerer is an industrious soul, and somewhat paranoid and perhaps schizophrenic.  He thinks, a spiked tree branch could come in handy by the looks of those new punks in the neighborhood, and why not upgrade it with dueling rusty scrapers?  And just in case this unfriendly tetanus delivery system isn’t alarming enough, lets customize it further with cautionary colors!

i do not think this person slept peacefully.

A shout out to artificial intelligence. All of those billions Google’s spent so that the banner ads on my browser know how old i am.  The ads suggest that i’m looking for a male lover in his 30’s, so i guess all that money has created artificial unintelligence, but i have no doubt it the machines will get smarter.  i’m just disappointed that when our robot superiors finally emerge, they won’t be the evil slave masters we imagined.  They’ll be in sales, and they’ll own us.

A shout out to the neighbors, for giving me the opportunity to unleash the grumpiest old man within at 4am this July 5th.  Half-naked grumpy old me hobbled out of bed and down the stairs and into their yard to address a front porch full of patrioticly freaky revelers, in his crankiest voice, “STOP SHOOTING THOSE POPPERS!” -and then after a theatrical look at my watch- “i THINK it’s FOUR AM!”  i left them stunned and disturbed, climbed up the stairs and back into bed, and had a good laugh with my sleepy wife.

A shout out to my strong and beautiful sister.  thanks for subscribing to the blog!

And, word to my culinary tinkerer Dad, who’s mind thinks in these terms:

kind of like Voltron


14 responses to “tinker

  1. A shout out for pulling off hollering at young revelers. I tried it once at an outdoor concert after a group of mischievous Ben Folds Five fans kept chunking wadded up paper cups at me from behind. I charged up the hill and gave them a good dose of southern, mostly profanity “what for” that I thought was one of my better performances. After a moment of silence, a hot girl in the gang snickered and said, “It’ll be ok.” I walked away disgraced and well aware that it certainly would not be ok.

    • they’re actually really good neighbors, and the shinanigans were highly irregular. they at least pretended to be cowed by my rage- or at least baffled. i may have burned up all the goodwill i’ve earned pruning their side of the privet all summer with my crabbiness, but i’ll be damned if i allow a new tradition of fireworks hours before dawn on the 5th to develop.

  2. I love rightous indignation.

    Also tip of the hat to McLure Senior who thinks in terms of pork product, cheese, and sugar. I would say it is safe to pull out two clinches…”you are your father’s son” and “chip off the old block”

  3. Dang! After a morning that included a very sweaty 3.5 mi run followed by several hours of swimming with the kids, I think I just gained 5#s just by looking at this entry…may have to unsubscribe 😉

  4. Good for you, McLure! As you know, I once ran out of the house in my pajamas and chased down one of those thumping hip-hop cars. I had finally snapped and had had enough. It worked! Turns out being chastised by a sleepy, grumpy old square really puts the damper on a party. Keep up the good work my friend, but next time take that fancy billy club with you for backup.

    • Ooh, I heard a good story about you also calling someone a neighbor an a-hole in the streets of Asheville. You seem to get feisty when perturbed. That’s cool.

      • Well, you’d call someone an a-hole too if the spoil-sport told you to “stop blowing them poppers!” Oh, no. There went my cover. Sorry, McLure. Yes it was me setting off fireworks next to your house. Look — fried meat!

  5. Micheal, you might consider posting a picture of the end product of those cardiac complementary ingredients…caramelized bacon toped with triple cream bleu cheese…slap yo momma…Then there is the “bacon explosion” creation to consider.

    As the usuually mild mannered..tho hulking BJ that I am, I do need a good tube blowing (naval term), screaming fit of righteous, verbal outrage every few years just to prove I still can…I think. old men need to see if they can pull this sort of stunt off from time to time just to remind folks that they are still around…and possibly dangerous….so ya’d better just leave us along to be safe.

    • dad,

      several responses.

      first and foremost, have i been spelling my name incorrectly all these decades? i am your seed and you gave me this name, but i think it’s too late in the game to switch up the spelling on me.

      second, and also foremost, that picture of the bacon kind of looked like something pulled out of the fukashima reactor. it didn’t do justice to how wonderful i’m sure it tasted. it looked, in a word, fugly. however, i should post it because i’m sick of pretty pretty food blogs.

      third, and also foremost in a dead heat, you are one of the kindest and at the same time most dangerous men i know. it hurts my brain to reconcile the two. kind of like tom hanks in saving private ryan, which i know you never saw because you’ve only seen six movies in your entire life. i know you saw Running Scared with billy cristal and gregory hines, because you took me to it when i was nine. i’m not sure i ever thanked you properly. that was a crappy movie but it did have bared ta-tas. thank you.

      • I’m with McLure, Sr., on this. We love food pics! P.S. How is it possible to get sick of pretty pretty food blogs?

  6. Michael, you should have seen Dad’s latest creation. He made 3 “turtles”: base of ground up some kind of red meat formed into a circle; topped with pepper cheese; add hotdog legs and head; wrap in bacon; cook a while; top with barbecue sauce and cook some more close to the broiler. Thank God for the self-cleaning oven I now need to run. Dad did take pics, so maybe he has blessed you. I added this to the replies so all could see the extent of your creative genes. 🙂

  7. Bacon turtle burger picture is on the way. The end product does look a bit gooey with the broiler heat on the BBQ sauce…..and a guy can be both kind, generous and compassionate while also retaining the capacity of being very dangerous…all when appropriate to the situation.

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